Had an interesting conversation a night ago with a friend about her gay friend. When he came out and became apart of the gay community he started changing and acting completely different that how he was and stopped being friends with her. He was friends with only gay guys and stopped talking to her. This is something that does happen a lot to young gay guys just coming out and joining the community, they start to change so that they can fit in with to the communities ideals and standards. Just so they can feel accepted and not be left alone. I know this because I felt it happening to me a few years ago when I came out. I feel very lucky that I got out of the community before that happened. I may not be the best person I can be, but I’d rather be this way than be molded into something I’m not by the gay community.

Confession

I do apologize for anyone who doesn’t like my rants about gay guys. Allow me to fell you in on something about me. Growing up my mother told me that I was special because I got to be two things; I got to be both black and white. I believed her and I always felt special and proud of that. It was something I valued so closely to my heart. When I came out and became apart of the gay community that piece of me was slowly ripped out over the course of two years. Being half white and black was no longer beautiful and special to me. It was ugly and wrong. I became ashamed of being half black. I felt ugly for being mixed. That was a special part of me that was ripped out of my heart and I don’t know if I’ll get it back ever again. So I apologize if you don’t like what I have to say. I will never forgive the community for taking that away from me.

People seem to forget that I am half white. I feel like I not only have to remind them but myself. Then I wonder if I’m not embracing either side of myself enough. Is the white part of me being ignored simply cause I’m a few shades too dark? Do I really even know what it means to be black? Do I even know what it means to be white? Am I not good enough to fit into either one? Is trying to embrace both cultures doing me any good, or is it harming me? Do I have to choose which one I embrace more? Why? Do I even belong anywhere?

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